Law and Order: Spebector Unit

*DUN DUN*

My House,
Uptown Minneapolis,
10:24 PM
So there I was last night, minding my own business, watching a little Law & Order in my kitchen while drinking some chocolate milk. It was a pretty stupid episode, something about a porn star getting killed over a book deal. I don't know if this makes me a huge nerd or what, but I was more interested in the fact that it dealt with book deals than that it was about a murdered porn star. But before they even made the arrest, I heard a noise coming from my back yard out by the garage.

*DUN DUN*

My Backyard,
Uptown Minneapolis,
10:25 PM
I went outside to spebect the sound. It was a lot of loud rustling that I was hearing, and my first guess was that it was a raccoon going through the trash in the alley. Then I saw an unfamiliar bicycle laying in the middle of the yard. I realized the sounds were coming from inside the garage, and were being made by a person. A nefarious person.

A little history on my garage: It's been broken into before. Many times. Countless bikes have been taken, many of them mine. I had a bike stolen out of the garage when I was 14 that was later recovered in a drug bust in Powderhorn Park. It was a really sweet bike, so I was super happy to get it back. A couple years later it was stolen again. It's weird, because I live in a pretty luxe neighborhood, but for some reason my garage is like a magnet for petty burglary. This particular burglar, however, was incredibly stupid. Here is why:

• Most of the time when things are stolen from my garage, it's because it has been left open for one reason or another. The thieves just walk in and take what they want (my bike) and then walk (ride) away. This time the guy went in the side door, which barely even opens because there's so much junk in the way. It's next to impossible to navigate said junk in the daytime, much less at night when it's pitch black inside. He probably should have recognized this immediately and left to find an easier garage to get into, but he instead chose to push his way in and make a lot of noise.
• He decided to steal from the garage of a house that obviously had people inside. My mom and I were both home at the time, and there were several lights on in the house as well as the flood light illuminating the garage/driveway. Who did he think he was, some sort of ninja cat burglar who could break in right under our noses? Gimme a break, buddy.
• He left his bike right in the middle of the yard. I mean come on buddy, use your noodle. Put it around the side of the garage or something. Leave it in the alley. Just get it out of plain sight so I can't just look at it and immediately recognize that there's a person trying to hamburgle my bike for the thousandth time.

*DUN DUN*

My Backyard,
Uptown Minneapolis,
10:27 PM
After I saw the bike, I went back inside and told my mom to call the cops. Then I did what anybody would do, I grabbed my broomball stick for to defend myself and went back outside to capture the thief's bike. Looking back, it probably would have been smarter to just stay inside and wait for the police to show up rather than risk getting into a confrontation and/or stabbed. But I wasn't about to let him make a clean getaway either. And besides, I had my trusty broomball stick! I took his bike and rolled it into my front yard. As I was walking back, the door opened and the guy poked his head out. He looked right at me, which was a little weird, and I sort of waggled the broomball stick at him. He shut the door, and I went back inside.

*DUN DUN*

My Backyard
Uptown, Minneapolis
10:30 PM
The cops showed up incredibly fast. They said that the guy had locked the door, and asked for permission to kick it in. Permission granted! They kicked it in, and made a big show of yelling "Police!" and "Stay where you are!" and whatnot, but the dude wasn't inside. Apparently he had been so intimidated by the vague waggling of my broomball stick that he sneaked away while I was going back inside. Then for some reason a whole bunch more cops showed up. Seriously, there were like seven cops. I don't think the situation really warranted so many of Minneapolis' Finest, but I wasn't going to tell them that. They milled around for a while, shined their flashlights, asked some questions, then took the bike I had captured as evidence. Of course I wasn't surprised that they took it, but secretly I was a little disappointed. It was a very nice bike, a hell of a lot nicer than mine. It had a sweet basket in front. It was undoubtedly stolen, probably from one of my neighbors, but as they were leaving one of the cops joked that it would be the new precinct bicycle. All I could think was "thank god I still have my bike."

Created by Dick Wolf